You should see this one. e-Date.com said we are 98% compatible – a “perfect” match. Lissa’s her name. “Double S!” she said with a giggle. She made that same quirk clear in her on-line profile – with a LOL! as emphasis. Matches the double D’s begging for my attention – they’re stretching her pink knit blouse to the limit. Lissa claims to have graduated high school, but I’d guess by the way she talks and acts that she most likely flunked out and wound up with a G.E.D. I suspect she’s the kind of girl who dots her i’s with smiley faces and uses hearts as periods. Right now, I’ll bet she’s planning our wedding and naming our kids. It’ll never happen, you know. After tonight, she’ll never see me again.
“Say, Lissa. You’ve been talking all night. Your mouth must be dry. Another peach margarita?
*
I caught a real live dinosaur tonight! Where did he dig up that silver disco shirt? And, eeeeww… he’s wearing the shirt open to his navel and his chest hair is long and shaggy, like some ratty forest animal. It is as if I’m on a date with one of the Bee Gees. I wonder what he would think if he knew I graduated from Stanford. He clearly thinks I’m stupid – I’ll reinforce that thought.
“No thanks. One more drink and I just might go crazy and lose myself in all that fur covering your chest!”
*
The first time I met and dumped a girl like Lissa, things were difficult and got messy. Alma was her name; I think she was Hawaiian or something. Poor thing cried for hours and nearly broke my resolve. That was 12 years ago and between Alma and Lissa, 574 girls have seen my bed. The only thing I like better than desperate chicks is being single.
You should know there is a method to all of this. Each year I focus on a different letter of the alphabet. The first chick this year was Loretta. What a firecracker. She kept me up all night, begging and caterwauling as if she was in heat or something. Loretta wore my ass out! Lissa, I suspect will be more like Alma – the crying type.
“C’mon! Loosen up. I don’t mind if you lose yourself. There is a lot more fur for you to enjoy!”
*
What is it about guys like this? Men are pigs – dick for brains and from what I can tell so far, this guy has a teeny brain. This jerk is no better than all the others. I bet he drives a Corvette or a Trans-Am. I don’t think he has looked into my eyes once tonight. I should at least act interested, he does after all live in Malibu and my student loans are not going to pay themselves. At least I’ll have a good view before he figures out my plans are different than his.
“Did I mention I went to Beauty College?”
*
My house is actually located in Topanga Canyon, near, but not quite in Malibu. I wish I could live closer to the beach, but the lots are small, limiting my ability to garden. Chicks dig it. It feels like a vacation retreat to them. Sure, it’s a pain driving in and out of the canyon, but I must admit, the privacy serves me well.
She digs me.
*
I hate him.
*
I can’t wait to nail her.
*
I can’t wait to kill him.
*
I think I’ll give to her rough.
*
I think I’ll bash his head in with a hammer.
*
*
You should see this one. Monique’s her name. She is hot; correction, hott – with a double T! Reminds me of Lissa; all hair, air and boobs. Hopefully that’s where the resemblance ends. That chick was crazy.
You should have been there! After we got to the pad, I took her out to the garden shed and started rubbing her shoulders. Chicks usually like that kinda shit. Not Lissa; the bitch went all whacko on me. Before I could stop her, she grabbed a hammer, said something about joining all her exes in hell and then she tried to kill me. With a fucking hammer! What an amateur! I shot her between the eyes with the nail gun. You should have seen the look on her face, all stuck to the wall and shit. It was priceless. I left her there for a couple of days – I have pictures if you are interested. Bitch is calm now – resting in the garden with all the others. I guess e-Date.com was right – we were a match.
Anyway, back to Monique.
“Say, Monique, did I mention I live in Malibu? Care for another Mai Tai?
She digs me. I can’t wait to nail her.
*
Copyright© 2007 Mark B. Papale All rights reserved
I think I have been on a date with this guy. WAIT. I think EVERY woman on earth has met this guy. Too bad Lissa didn’t keep him for herself.
Mary Ellen
Hmmm… I hope not too many guys like this.
Thanks,
mark
This is an interesting departure from your other stories, and I love it! You craftfully depict both characters in a way that is funny and unique but not cliche. I really enjoyed this piece and I hope there is more to come; I’m quite eager to keep reading about this guy!
Hi Susie,
Thank you for your comments and thank you for reading.
mark
Oh Mark you nasty boy…I married you once but the name was different and I had the nail gun….luv u
I thought that by changing my name I could avoid spousal support. Keep the nail gun; the check is in the mail.
m
Same planet, different worlds aye Mark?
( I copped that from the Far Side Cartoon- but a good line is a good line..
Great line, indeed. I love Gary Larson’s odd little characters and wisdom. Thanks for stopping in.
mark
Kool story.
Thank you for stopping in. It’s great to have global visitors!
m
Mark,
How cool! I love the twists. I didn’t see that coming. I like your writing style. I’m glad I found your site.
Lisa
I didn’t even see it coming – excellent !!!
Cool, thanks. I appreciate your stopping in and comment.