Hi Kids!
This month, I am going to share with you an e-mail I received. Now, you should know, I receive millions of e-mails each month – general questions, offers and deals, pleas for revenge and assistance – I even get e-mails from sexy Russian girls selling pills that are guaranteed to increase the size of my manhood – a most curious concept if you think about it; what do suppose might happen if I were to take too many and overdose? Anyway, this month I received an e-mail that at first read made my blood boil. My initial thought was to hit the delete button and move on. But, as you know, I am a sensitive guy and well, I just can’t stand it when somebody doesn’t like me. So, I kept the damn e-mail, reading it over and over; my heart breaking and my blood pressure rising every time I opened my laptop. The angrier I got, the more I wanted to inflict painful boils onto this guy’s balls (OK, he may have had a teeny flare up, but I promise it didn’t last too long.) Then, I conceived of a brilliant idea. I decided to step out of the box and share some of my letters; an opportunity to turn a negative into a positive; a paradigm shift; a win-win; a chance to clear up any misconceptions people may have about me; a opportunity to teach the world about the real me – the caring and giving me.
I am brilliant! Now, to the e-mail…
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Dear Satan,
Why do you require such a high payment for so little? Honestly, do you think an eternity in Hell is equitable payment for a moment of uncontrollable lust?
Signed,
You’re Fired!
*
PS
Why is Rosie such a bitch?
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Editor’s note:
First things first. My first name ain’t Satan. It’s Lucifer. Now, seeing that we are all friends, I would prefer it if you would simply refer to me as Luc. I cannot begin to express how bored I am with the name Satan. It is disrespectful, hurtful and not unlike an ethnic or sexual slur – i.e. “Bitch, get me a beer,” or “Slap dat Ho!” In fact, while I am on the subject, my name is not The Evil One, Beelzebub, The Devil, Kali, etc. Now, let’s all sit in a comfortable cross-legged position, place our hands in prayer over our hearts and honor in silence the passing of the slanderous names by which I have been known.
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Ok, now, back to our regularly scheduled program.
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Dear You’re Fired,
Might I remind you, that you received more from me than permission for a “moment of uncontrollable lust?” If you recall, that “moment” was with a hot lingerie model, and the last time I checked, she is still your wife. Now, to put things in perspective, take off your clothes and position yourself in front of one of your gold leaf mirrors. The one in your wife’s dressing room is my favorite. Now, take a good look at yourself and answer this question: On what planet, were it not for my assistance, do you think hot lingerie models would find you appealing? Look at yourself! You are as fit and attractive as a stale marshmallow. Your hair… Well, let’s just say that that unnaturally colored comb-over is not exactly catnip if you know what I mean. Further, you seem to have forgotten everything else I provided for you: a lucrative real estate empire, billions of dollars, an entertaining* television show, worldwide fame and recognition. (*see section 15, article 12 of your contract. There is no mention/requirement that your show be entertaining.)
Did I complain when you kept asking for more?
Did I complain when you claimed your success as you own?
No and No!
We have a contract and I am doing my best to hold up my end of the bargain. Remember the time when you filed bankruptcy? Who was there, by your side, helping you to get back on your feet? Your (then) wife or (future ex-wife) mistress? Of course not!
Now, I don’t know what you are so upset about. Hell is not so bad. You’ll have everything you have now; hot women, money, fame. Shit, I’ll even throw in free heating for your apartment. Nothing major will change. You’ll be working for the City of Dis Development Agency, doing what you love: building overpriced condos for hypocrites and thieves. Sure, the view is not of Central Park or the Hudson River, but burning coffins are quite lovely in the winter.
Yours Forever,
Luc
*
PS
Hell if I know.
*
Copyright© 2007 Mark B. Papale All rights reserved
Brilliant! This had me cackling into my coffee!
An entertaining read for sure……love the catnip line and the mirror disrobe!
i am really attracted to the many faces of your muse… last weeks suicide en flight was i believe my first nibble,, and i am drawn in yet again today… i will have to mark this in my reader so i can become fully acquainted….
This post is really as hot as hell!
Luc is right to be miffed.. What’s stopping you take on his offer?
Good morning all,
Robin, thanks again for stopping in. I am glad I was able to make you laugh.
Jo, nothing says hot like a bright red comb over. Try to control yourself!
Paisley, my muse is an odd little creature – I rarely know what will happen.
Gautami – Poor Luc is so misunderstood. People treat him like a doormat.
I see that I have competition for your attention these days! This entry was hilarious. Is there any way you could convince Luc to hook me up with Gisele Bundchen?
Keith McDaniel
This is very funny – and timely, since I saw the Donald interviewed on Larry King. His ego was as healthy as ever, if not more so! But really, I just don’t get that hair. Who can trust his taste and judgement with that hair? He can make billion dollar real estate deals, but can’t sort out his hair??!!
Hi Keith, Giselle is taken. Can we interest you in Barbara Walters? There is less of a commitment requirement.
Thanks, Paris Parfait. On his television show, he filmed a segment in his apartment in New York and it looked like Marie Antoinette was his decorator.
Mark, this is hysterically funny. I laughed myself into quite an awkward position here I work where I shouldn’t be reading this. Now I’m definitely going to have to read Suicide en flight, and bookmark you in my rss reader. Fantastic!
Thanks Ashley Lyn – I hope you don’t get in too much trouble. Thanks for stopping in and for the RSS bookmark.
This was fantastic. Such a fun read. I will definitely be back to read more!
Thanks Karina. I look forward to seeing you again.
What a muse, what a muse. Your post is certainly the best expose’ of these incredibly weird celebs…Enjoyed your writing, again!
Such praise from a poet! Thank you so much.
Mark
I liked the odd snippets, such as “entertaining” being crossed out and with a clarification note. The link to the org chart was fun. Putting depth in the funny makes it. More fun.
Thanks, Deb. I am glad you read the org chart!
Mark
..how enjoyable…thanks for the laugh…it’s good to know luc’s on the ball…
Perfection!
Great post there! Really entertaining and I could see Luc speaking the words!
Hi Litttlewing, Jodi and Deathsweep – thanks again for coming back and commenting.
Dear Luc,
Why don’t you ever propose a bargain for me? Everywhere I look people are thriving thanks to their deals with you. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only living soul you’ve ignored.
Oh, but my dear, fear not! When I last checked, you were, and I believe still are, a successful and well read heretic. Play your cards right and I’ll see if I can’t find a special place for you.
Luc
{laughing so hard I’m trying catch my breath}
Breathe, find your center…
Thanks for stopping in.
Luc, I am your father! Oh wait, that’s a different show. :d
Never knew the devil had a human side to him. I won’t ever step on his pointy tail again.
Devilishly good work, sir!
Hi Manictastic – I had the tail surgically removed after Dick Cheney slammed it in a door. Long story.
Lord – thanks again for stopping in.
Funny post.
As a contract lawyer, I feel like that some days.
~Oswegan
Thanks for stopping in. We like to keep our lawyer friends happy.
Nice! And strangely realistic. I heard this conversation in my head as I read (not unusual for me and my imagination). Trump’s voice was, of course, Trump’s and Satan’s was Jack Nicholson’s. It was great.
Jack is a natural in this character. Thanks for the visit.
Very funny. Glad I happened upon your blog.
Good day,
Thanks for the visit. I am glad you found me.
Dear Luc
Nice Post.
Nice list of e-mail addresses you’ve got now- clever Devil.
amm
Way to build up the ‘naughty list ‘ Luc